Two Out-of-Touch White Males Solve The Oscar Pistorius Murder Trial

Chapter I

“I’m so glad I don’t get shooty when I’m drunk”
- Carl Michael Botha-Smit III of The Vaal, South Africa

Following the Pistorius trial intently, two twenty-something year old white males with too much spare time have solved the Oscar Pistorius trial on the 8th day of the case. These are extracts of their professional deliberation:

March 3rd, day 1

Robert: Are you watching Pistorious?
Carl: Has something happened? Because it was boring this morning.
Robert: I’m waiting for my doctor and it’s keeping me entertained even though I think it’s repugnant that it’s been televised. If I was at home, I’d have made popcorn.
Carl: It’s disgusting. Murder for entertainment. If google glass takes off, we can all tune in for the shooting too!, yay us. I’ve sorted out my shoes and smoked six cigarettes. Go me.

March 4th, Day 2

Carl: This Pistorius thing today o_0.

I’m gonna treat it like a bad TV show. Just tell me who wins.

Robert: I swear to god I would slap the bejeezus out of Oscar’s pathetic attorney, is he fucking thick? Construct a fucking question.

out of Oscar’s pathetic attorney, is he fucking thick? Construct a fucking question.

Carl: He’s not doing well. My mom and her advocate friends are apoplectic
Robert: Had I had been a witness, I would have lambasted the fuck out of his stupid cross examining. I would literally have said in Court, “Uh, excuse me, Oscar, get a legit lawyer, this fucktard can’t construct a question.”
Carl: Exactly. Roundabout and vague and just generally crap. The witness was a rockstar tho. This new one they have on now is gonna pee herself under cross examination.

Robert: He just asked the witness how old her baby is. I would have thrown my water at him. And who the actual hell instituted this “My Lady” shit? Since when?!
Carl: It’s a thing, because former colony. Urgh, Pretoria suburbanites on TV. Couldn’t he have shot her in Hyde Park? I’d love to see some kugels on the stand. Like “Hi I’m Shirley Kahanowitz, I’m the neighbour, call me Shirl.”

 *   *   *

March 12th, Day 8

Robert: Were you watching the trial today? With the actual door?
Carl: I am confused. So what could’ve happened? They fought, he chased her, cornered her and, um, boom?
Robert: Did you see the video showing how the bang from a cricket bat hitting a door and a gun shooting at a door, sound quite identical from 180m away?
Carl: Yeah...
Robert: Weird...
Carl: But I don’t care much about the witnesses. They’re unreliable anyway. But my tinfoil hat theory is that he maybe chased her, shot her in the head, then staged. But no. He’d have to be VERY quick and very together to do that. So we’re back to ’dunno.’

Robert: What is also strange, is that his testimony claims that he put on his protheses so that he could try open the door with a bat, but in court they showed that the hit marks indicate he was low down, without prostheses.
Carl: So he went back into the bedroom after the shooting, put on his legs, got the bat and then broke the door?

Robert: That’s what he said in his testimony.

Carl: And then he took her downstairs and that’s where they found them. So he must’ve put his prosthetics on at some point. You don’t drag a body down a flight of stairs on stumps.

Robert: Yeah. “... I tried to open the toilet door but it was locked. I rushed back into the bedroom and opened the sliding door exiting onto the balcony and screamed for help. ...I put on my prosthetic legs, ran back to the bathroom and tried to kick the toilet door open. ...I think I must then have turned on the lights. I went back into the bedroom and grabbed my cricket bat to bash open the toilet door.” But the hit marks on the door are made from low down.
Carl: And have you seen the floors in that house? It looks extremely slippery, so, without legs it’d be near-impossible to mission around. Another thing - so everything up to bat happened in the dark? I can barely walk into my own bathroom without lights. Are these people bats?

Robert: Well, his testimony indicates that he’s saying that he was unsure when he switched on the lights. Neighbours claim lights were on before shooting sounds.
Carl: Yeah the whole ’woken up by noises, but didn’t notice she wasn’t in bed’ thing also makes no sense.
Robert: Why does that claim make no sense to you?
Carl: Like, how big is this man’s bed? I’ve never woken up and not noticed the presence or
absence of whoever else was in there.
Robert: Regardless of the claims, I still don’t understand that he could have been *so* infuriated with someone he’d been dating for two months, that he would want her to die, to be plank.
Carl: True. I thought it was a drug thing, but apparently they were both clean and sober.

Robert: I think, if your lights are off, and you get out of bed half asleep, and your expectation is
that the girl is in your bed, I think it’s easy for your half-asleep mind to make it seem so.
Carl: Maybe you’re right. We should test this.

Robert: Yeah I also assumed that his overreactive response was fueled to a large degree by steroids, coupled with normal white south african fear of being robbed, coupled with being a double-amputee, coupled with half asleep.
Carl: So only the latter three. Which are still extremely valid.
Robert: Self-defence is never a calm act.
Carl: Because I’m the least paranoid person I know, but if I heard noise, I’d start throwing vases. Which is gay for shoot.

south african fear of being robbed, coupled with being being a double-amputee, coupled with half asleep.
Carl: So only the latter three. Which are still extremely valid.

Robert: Self-defence is never a calm act.

Carl: Because I’m the least paranoid person I know, but if I heard noise, I’d start throwing vases. Which is gay for ’shoot.’

Robert: If I hear the slightest thing at home, alone or not, day or night, my brain rationally explains “There is someone in the house.” And people outside of the third world, will never 

understand that paranoia.
Carl: And if I couldn’t run away [due to being a double-amputee], I’d lose my shit and go 
rampage as well. Wait, there we are. That’s the entire defence. Man with ax.
Robert: Man with bat. Man with gun. Man with plank girlfriend, who man rendered very plank.
Carl: Sis. I laughed. Quite plank. Unequivocally plank.
Robert: “Two gays solve the Oscar Pistorius trial 8 days into case.”

Carl: With time to spare for cocktails. And a pedicure. Like, ’thanks world media, you can fuck off now.’

Robert: Completely, it’s the very epitome, perhaps the global peak, of reality television.
Carl: Next time we can maybe film the actual murder. Wouldn’t that be great. Bread and circuses. I have a few nominations for the role of victim.

» None of this should be taken seriously, whatsoever. Please do not take any of this seriously. Please take a deep breath before blogging about this article. In fact, please do not blog about this article, it is a satire. These are actual extracts from two people’s conversations, but they are largely in complete and utter jest. «